Another Yami no Matsuei fanfic
Jul. 20th, 2003 10:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
starzafandomblogIf you've visited my journal today, you probably know how I feel about this fic. :P
Pimping here, but![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
vulchu reviewed this author on ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
canonfodder, but another story. ^_^;;
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Title: Diary
Author: Aki Rei
Genre: Angst/romance/angst/melodrama/more angst... Um, yeah, a ton of it
Rating: The author says PG-13, but I'd probably start leaning towards R for violence.
Warnings: Ho boy... Tsuzuki going madly insane, Bitch!Hisoka, OOC!Hisoka, me hating Hisoka's guts in this fanfic... >.>
Couple (if applicable): Tsuzuki/Hisoka, although it seems one sided.
Plot: 7/10 - This story only gets a 7 out of 10 because I love the concept. I think the concept of Tsuzuki going insane and writing down his feelings in a diary is scary and REAL. The prologue is probably the best part in this fanfic. Normally, I don't go for fics where Tsuzuki becomes evil, but here, it's quite possible and I could see him doing this.
Writing: 3/10 - The writing... Eh, it just drops in quality as the story goes on. Typos and the flow of it just doesn't sit too well with me. Plus the choice of words is... um, left to be desirable. It's not enough to impress me.
Characterization: 1/10 - Okay, the only reason this doesn't get a 0 is because Tsuzuki's characterization is understandable. But more than likely, you will not regonize Tsuzuki in this fic. But then again, he went bonkers. >.>
Hisoka is the one who suffers the most. He just... screams, shouts and is VERY hurtful to Tsuzuki that I'm wondering if that's what made Tsuzuki go insane. His character is so unbelievable in this story that I'm wondering if it's Hisoka went insane and not Tsuzuki!
If this is post-Kyoto, this is definitely not the Hisoka we know and love who saved Tsuzuki from the flames of Touda.... This is NOT the Hisoka who comforted Tsuzuki after he said he wasn't human, this is NOT the Hisoka who generally cares and understands our favorite purple eyed Shinigami...
*Shakes head* Honestly, I don't think Hisoka was EVER this cruel or cold to Tsuzuki. Even manga!Hisoka was never this harsh to Tsuzuki. I mean, it seems like the author just added in Hisoka's scream match to add in angst and melodrama, and it's not pulled off well in this fic, period.
It left such an angry mark on me, that I ended up writing a sniplit on how Hisoka could react!
I mean, I know Hisoka can be distant and cold sometimes, but... He was never cruel in his actions or words to Tsuzuki. Sure, he would slap his partner and call him an idiot, but he NEVER meant to physically harm him and call him such cruel names and mean it.
To be honest, I didn't pity Hisoka in this fic. I felt sorrow for Tsuzuki and for the way Hisoka treated him, when all Tsuzuki did was show he cared.
And why is Hisoka's empathy absent from this story? Tsuzuki is probably projecting emotions VERY strongly. When he breaks Hisoka's ankle, they're touching, so why is Hisoka not picking up on ANY emotion? Surely Tsuzuki would more than likely not have any mental capibility to hold up any psychic shields, so why is Hisoka's powers totally absent?
Negativities: Wildly OOC Hisoka, pointless melodrama and angst
Summary: Oh god...
Basically, we are introduced to this story via Tsuzuki's PoV. We learn that he has been keeping a journal and we learn that he is deeply in love with Hisoka while really upset that everyone is berating him and yelling at him. This is believable.
Then we go into chapter 1, and we find out Tsuzuki threw Hisoka in a basement. Well, to be honest, Hisoka deserves to be thrown into a basement and more after the harsh way he speaks to Tsuzuki. Here are just a few examples:
“Why would I thank you?!! You lock me in here and you ask me to be grateful? Get a grip!!” He yelled like mad as he threw blind kicks at me as I advanced him in the bed.
Um... First off, Hisoka would know something is wrong with Tsuzuki the MOMENT he is locked up in the basement. The boy can read emotions like a book and the moment Tsuzuki hurt him or even TOUCHED him he would know.
Another example of character rape.
“Oh yes you do!!! You’re insane!! You here me?!! Insane!!!!” Hisoka screamed wildly.
Um, okay. Either Hisoka is REALLY brave or he's REALLY fucking stupid, and I'm going for the second one here. First off, Hisoka would know better than to scream at someone who is insane, especially Tsuzuki. Hisoka does NOT strike me as that much of a fool to be yelling at someone who's mentally disturbed. Yelling at someone who's insane will only make things WORSE.
“Where are you going, you jerk?!! You’re hallucinatory friends asking you to attend for tea?!!!” Hisoka hollered back at me. I ignored him. After he read this, he will be sorry. I ran back down my precious diary in my hand. I threw it at him and he caught it swiftly.
“What’s this?! A diary?! You keep a diary?!!” He said with sarcasm. I ignored his tone for the time being. He’ll pay dearly later for mocking me.
“Read it.” I said simply.
“why would I read anything that’s coming form your insane…”
“READ IT!!!” I said so forcefully that I felt my aura surge around me. He must’ve noticed it too and probably my mood, so he complied. He turned the pages and looked at me. Oh, polite. Asking what page he’s going to read. I said sarcastically to myself.
Um, okay. First off, Hisoka would NEVER use this sort of tone around Tsuzuki, even if he was pissed to high hell. Hisoka comes from a family where he learned to be respectful to others. He may berate Tsuzuki, but he still respects him at some level and just thinking of him calling names or talking back and down on him...
We are then left at the end of the chapter with Tsuzuki choking Hisoka to death. We then open chapter 2 with him choking him and Hisoka almost dies, but lo and behold, Tsuzuki gets snapped out of it by a shattering of the lamp off to the side. Too bad, I wanted to see Bitch!Hisoka die in this fic. :(
We now move to Hisoka's PoV, who magically has not felt ANY emotion come from Tsuzuki, despite Tsuzuki's death like grip on Hisoka's neck. He also magically recovers quickly from a 'near death' experience and for a moment, Hisoka is comforting Tsuzuki, and then I think that Hisoka comes back to normal.
Sadly, we can't always have what we want. :(
“Tsuzuki, what is the meaning of this?” I screeched angrily. I am not really angry at Tsuzuki, more of my anger was directed at me actually. I was such a fool!!!! I could’ve escaped!!! But what did I do?! I helped the bastard who locked me in here of all people!!
Um, okay... Just no. Hisoka would be pissed he missed his chance to escape. But wouldn't he at least WONDER why Tsuzuki is feeling so insecure about him leaving? And I can NEVER see Hisoka calling Tsuzuki a bastard. NEVER!
I drop pathetically on my bum, berating myself for my stupidity. Why did I ever feel compassion for that guy?! I asked myself angrily. Pictures of him being kind to me, bringing me out of my shell slowly, ran through my head. I’ve never admitted this before but I think I might have some feelings for him.
Two words: Pointless melodrama. Also, read that first line? It makes me LAUGH at Hisoka saying that he landed on his 'bum'. *Dies*
Overall - 3.6/10 - This story has little potentional, but the grossly OOC Hisoka RUINS the fanfic's potentional. Judging from this author's other work, she likes writing angst and melodramatic stories. She also likes butchering Hisoka's character and making him a bitch towards Tsuzuki. It's just so unlike him.
A lovely concept, but totally ruined by the disgusting characterization of probably the only person who would be willing to understand and help Tsuzuki through this while everyone would want to lock him up and deem him mad. Maybe after I finish Heart to Heart, I'll work on this actual concept. It's plausable for it to happen, but it's done poorly in this writer's fanfic.
Pimping here, but
vulchu reviewed this author on canonfodder, but another story. ^_^;;Series: Yami no Matsuei
Title: Diary
Author: Aki Rei
Genre: Angst/romance/angst/melodrama/more angst... Um, yeah, a ton of it
Rating: The author says PG-13, but I'd probably start leaning towards R for violence.
Warnings: Ho boy... Tsuzuki going madly insane, Bitch!Hisoka, OOC!Hisoka, me hating Hisoka's guts in this fanfic... >.>
Couple (if applicable): Tsuzuki/Hisoka, although it seems one sided.
Plot: 7/10 - This story only gets a 7 out of 10 because I love the concept. I think the concept of Tsuzuki going insane and writing down his feelings in a diary is scary and REAL. The prologue is probably the best part in this fanfic. Normally, I don't go for fics where Tsuzuki becomes evil, but here, it's quite possible and I could see him doing this.
Writing: 3/10 - The writing... Eh, it just drops in quality as the story goes on. Typos and the flow of it just doesn't sit too well with me. Plus the choice of words is... um, left to be desirable. It's not enough to impress me.
Characterization: 1/10 - Okay, the only reason this doesn't get a 0 is because Tsuzuki's characterization is understandable. But more than likely, you will not regonize Tsuzuki in this fic. But then again, he went bonkers. >.>
Hisoka is the one who suffers the most. He just... screams, shouts and is VERY hurtful to Tsuzuki that I'm wondering if that's what made Tsuzuki go insane. His character is so unbelievable in this story that I'm wondering if it's Hisoka went insane and not Tsuzuki!
If this is post-Kyoto, this is definitely not the Hisoka we know and love who saved Tsuzuki from the flames of Touda.... This is NOT the Hisoka who comforted Tsuzuki after he said he wasn't human, this is NOT the Hisoka who generally cares and understands our favorite purple eyed Shinigami...
*Shakes head* Honestly, I don't think Hisoka was EVER this cruel or cold to Tsuzuki. Even manga!Hisoka was never this harsh to Tsuzuki. I mean, it seems like the author just added in Hisoka's scream match to add in angst and melodrama, and it's not pulled off well in this fic, period.
It left such an angry mark on me, that I ended up writing a sniplit on how Hisoka could react!
I mean, I know Hisoka can be distant and cold sometimes, but... He was never cruel in his actions or words to Tsuzuki. Sure, he would slap his partner and call him an idiot, but he NEVER meant to physically harm him and call him such cruel names and mean it.
To be honest, I didn't pity Hisoka in this fic. I felt sorrow for Tsuzuki and for the way Hisoka treated him, when all Tsuzuki did was show he cared.
And why is Hisoka's empathy absent from this story? Tsuzuki is probably projecting emotions VERY strongly. When he breaks Hisoka's ankle, they're touching, so why is Hisoka not picking up on ANY emotion? Surely Tsuzuki would more than likely not have any mental capibility to hold up any psychic shields, so why is Hisoka's powers totally absent?
Negativities: Wildly OOC Hisoka, pointless melodrama and angst
Summary: Oh god...
Basically, we are introduced to this story via Tsuzuki's PoV. We learn that he has been keeping a journal and we learn that he is deeply in love with Hisoka while really upset that everyone is berating him and yelling at him. This is believable.
Then we go into chapter 1, and we find out Tsuzuki threw Hisoka in a basement. Well, to be honest, Hisoka deserves to be thrown into a basement and more after the harsh way he speaks to Tsuzuki. Here are just a few examples:
“Why would I thank you?!! You lock me in here and you ask me to be grateful? Get a grip!!” He yelled like mad as he threw blind kicks at me as I advanced him in the bed.
Um... First off, Hisoka would know something is wrong with Tsuzuki the MOMENT he is locked up in the basement. The boy can read emotions like a book and the moment Tsuzuki hurt him or even TOUCHED him he would know.
Another example of character rape.
“Oh yes you do!!! You’re insane!! You here me?!! Insane!!!!” Hisoka screamed wildly.
Um, okay. Either Hisoka is REALLY brave or he's REALLY fucking stupid, and I'm going for the second one here. First off, Hisoka would know better than to scream at someone who is insane, especially Tsuzuki. Hisoka does NOT strike me as that much of a fool to be yelling at someone who's mentally disturbed. Yelling at someone who's insane will only make things WORSE.
“Where are you going, you jerk?!! You’re hallucinatory friends asking you to attend for tea?!!!” Hisoka hollered back at me. I ignored him. After he read this, he will be sorry. I ran back down my precious diary in my hand. I threw it at him and he caught it swiftly.
“What’s this?! A diary?! You keep a diary?!!” He said with sarcasm. I ignored his tone for the time being. He’ll pay dearly later for mocking me.
“Read it.” I said simply.
“why would I read anything that’s coming form your insane…”
“READ IT!!!” I said so forcefully that I felt my aura surge around me. He must’ve noticed it too and probably my mood, so he complied. He turned the pages and looked at me. Oh, polite. Asking what page he’s going to read. I said sarcastically to myself.
Um, okay. First off, Hisoka would NEVER use this sort of tone around Tsuzuki, even if he was pissed to high hell. Hisoka comes from a family where he learned to be respectful to others. He may berate Tsuzuki, but he still respects him at some level and just thinking of him calling names or talking back and down on him...
We are then left at the end of the chapter with Tsuzuki choking Hisoka to death. We then open chapter 2 with him choking him and Hisoka almost dies, but lo and behold, Tsuzuki gets snapped out of it by a shattering of the lamp off to the side. Too bad, I wanted to see Bitch!Hisoka die in this fic. :(
We now move to Hisoka's PoV, who magically has not felt ANY emotion come from Tsuzuki, despite Tsuzuki's death like grip on Hisoka's neck. He also magically recovers quickly from a 'near death' experience and for a moment, Hisoka is comforting Tsuzuki, and then I think that Hisoka comes back to normal.
Sadly, we can't always have what we want. :(
“Tsuzuki, what is the meaning of this?” I screeched angrily. I am not really angry at Tsuzuki, more of my anger was directed at me actually. I was such a fool!!!! I could’ve escaped!!! But what did I do?! I helped the bastard who locked me in here of all people!!
Um, okay... Just no. Hisoka would be pissed he missed his chance to escape. But wouldn't he at least WONDER why Tsuzuki is feeling so insecure about him leaving? And I can NEVER see Hisoka calling Tsuzuki a bastard. NEVER!
I drop pathetically on my bum, berating myself for my stupidity. Why did I ever feel compassion for that guy?! I asked myself angrily. Pictures of him being kind to me, bringing me out of my shell slowly, ran through my head. I’ve never admitted this before but I think I might have some feelings for him.
Two words: Pointless melodrama. Also, read that first line? It makes me LAUGH at Hisoka saying that he landed on his 'bum'. *Dies*
Overall - 3.6/10 - This story has little potentional, but the grossly OOC Hisoka RUINS the fanfic's potentional. Judging from this author's other work, she likes writing angst and melodramatic stories. She also likes butchering Hisoka's character and making him a bitch towards Tsuzuki. It's just so unlike him.
A lovely concept, but totally ruined by the disgusting characterization of probably the only person who would be willing to understand and help Tsuzuki through this while everyone would want to lock him up and deem him mad. Maybe after I finish Heart to Heart, I'll work on this actual concept. It's plausable for it to happen, but it's done poorly in this writer's fanfic.
